Lovin’ You Was Worth It

“I know it wasn’t perfect
But lovin’ you was worth it
There’s still sweetness in the memories
Even after all the hurting”

He walked into my life at the most unexpected time. I was so busy trying to numb myself from all of the hurt and sadness I felt, I never expected him. I wasn’t even looking for him. He was just a random customer in the store that I was working at. He was just the customer that I rang up every morning, and again in the evening. He caught me completely off guard. From that first night staying with me while I worked a midnight shift, to talking to me and making sure I made it home safe. I was hooked. I was his even though we weren’t actually together. He was my morning, afternoon, evening, and middle of the night. My first thought in the morning and the last thought before I inevitably fell asleep on the phone with him. I had no idea that I was going to fall in love with him as deeply as I did. I had no idea of the impression he was going to leave on my life, in my heart.

I’m not perfect. He isn’t either. Loving him wasn’t perfect. But damn, it was worth it.

While relationships are not easy, it was no secret that this one brought its own set of struggles. Baggage was brought from my past that I held on to tighter than I realized. It was the same old story for me. Handsome guy walks through the door, sweeps me off my feet. I pour every ounce of me into him, tell all my secrets to and let him see the most vulnerable sides of me. And then I panic. I freeze up and panic. “No one will love someone so damaged.” “You won’t be enough for anyone to actually want to keep you around.” “You won’t amount to anything without a man by your side.” It didn’t matter that things were actually going well. That I was actually happy, that we were happy. It didn’t matter that so many of the things I had been told over the years were being proven daily to be incorrect. A part of me still believed it all.

Hurting him in ways I never could have imagined. That’s what broke me. Him leaving, yeah, that hurt. But knowing wholeheartedly that he left because of my actions, that’s what broke me. I did it. I was the reason. No, I don’t believe I single handedly destroyed my relationship. But I do know I played a good part in it. Things fell apart more and more after that. Despite all my begging and hoping and pleading to make things work. Pouring more of myself, resorting back to old habits. If I do the thing, then it will be okay. If I do the “wifey duties” than I will be worthy of being loved. It’s how I was trained. I cooked, cleaned, I worked and did everything I could think of. Nothing. Nothing got better. Nothing changed.

The things he taught me while we were together. To just be. To just exist. Take up that space and do it unapologetically. It wasn’t what I could do, the “wifey duties”, that made me worthy of being loved. It was just being myself, wholeheartedly and unapologetically. It was the laughter that filled the room when he’d tell a joke or found a ticklish spot on my side. It was my stubbornness when it came to trying anything new, especially food. The goofy faces, and blasting music while we drive, where I’d do some weird random dance in my seat next to him in the front. It was the calmness in the evenings when we’d be ending our day. Binge watching a show on Netflix that I never thought I’d like but actually really enjoyed all because he reminded me that I didn’t always need to live in this tiny little bubble that I had around me.

Loving him wasn’t perfect. But goddamn it, it was worth it.