Sometimes I lie awake at night wondering if I should have just kept pretending to be happy. If I should have just kept pretending that everything was okay. What I lost by trying to save myself, I often wonder if my decision to finally leave was worth it.
It kills me being so far away from my kids. It kills me that I can’t hold them and read bed time stories every night. It kills me that my parenting time is supervised so it doesn’t actually give me the chance to do the parenting.
I really wish you saw in our daughters what I see. The hurt. The sadness. The way they cling to me because 6 hours every other Saturday just isn’t enough. I wish you saw the excitement on their faces when I walk in the door, or during a FaceTime call.
I rant and rave about how great of a father you are. That our girls will always come first. And although we couldn’t make it work between us, I never have to question if you have our children’s best interest at heart. But then.. I lie awake at night. Trying to figure out how it’s in our children’s best interest to only see their mother every other Saturday for 6 hours. How 1-2 twenty minute FaceTime calls a week is enough.
I really wish you knew, that you’re not only hurting me, but you’re hurting them too.
Beautifully Chaotic 