Unbearable Silence

Lack of communication ruins everything
because instead of knowing how the
other person feels,
we just assume.

So I’ve been told recently that I’m a horrible communicator.  I keep things bottled in. I don’t share my feelings and can’t hold a conversation well.  It was hard to hear this, to be completely honest… but it’s true.  Unless it is done in writing, I SUCK at communicating.

I do keep things bottled up.  I keep my thoughts and feelings to myself unless I am writing.  I’ve never really had someone to confide in.  Someone that would truly listen without judgement.  Sure I have my psychologist that I talk to weekly, but I pay him to listen and not judge.  So it’s just not the same.

I’m honestly not sure how to open my mouth and actually hold a conversation.  I can talk about the weather or something that doesn’t matter.. but anything that matters even a little bit, I freeze up.  I forget how to form words let alone a sentence.  My mind runs blank.

Or, I get so overwhelmed with words and sentences to say that I don’t know where to begin, so I just don’t begin.  I know this probably seems crazy to most of you.  After all, isn’t saying something better than not say anything at all?  Sure, you’d think so.  But that is just not how my brain works.

I’ve heard all of my life that communication is key.  And I really do believe that to be so.  But for me, it’s so much easier to hide behind my keyboard and iPad then it is to look someone in the face and tell them how I’m feeling, what I’m thinking in that exact moment, or really anything at all.

I’ve always expressed myself better in writing.  Hiding behind a pen, or a keyboard is what I’m comfortable with.  But to make things more confusing… I can write out whatever it is that I need to say and then read it to whomever needs to hear it, without any problems.  Weird, right?

So many relationships have been ruined for me because I shut down.  I don’t speak.  And when I find the courage to speak, the other person no longer wants to hear it.  So then I shut down again because my fear of rejection came true.  And it’s my own fault.

Communication is something I really need to work on.  Verbal communication that is.  I need to work past my anxiety of being wrong in my feelings, judged for my thoughts or misunderstood because the words just don’t come out right when I speak.   I need to learn to focus on my truth, what I know, and work past the negativity that is in my mind.  I know I have people I can count on to listen.  I just need to learn to utilize those people.  I need to learn that it’s okay to feel the way I feel, to think the way I think and to process things the way that I process them.  I need to learn to voice myself in ways that are not my keyboard or a pen.  I need to use my voice.  Otherwise I’ll continue to live in this unbearable silence.