I’m learning to love
the sound of my feet
walking away from things
not meant for me.
Not many people know what’s been going on in my life lately. But I feel like I owe it to my readers because it’s been a big reason for my absence lately. So here it goes…
I’m getting divorced.
I know some of you will be questioning this. How can, what appeared to be such a great relationship, be ending? I’ve spoken so highly of the man I’m married to. Of how great our marriage has been. The highs that we’ve been through, the commitment that we’ve shared. But the truth is, I’ve never shared the lows. I’ve never taken time to be truthful to you about all aspects of my marriage. I didn’t want to share the negatives because then I’d have to admit they were real. I’d have to come to face the reality that my marriage wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows like I so desperately wanted.
So here it is, from the beginning, how my marriage, my relationship, has been with the man that I thought was my forever.
When Charles and I started dating November 2010, things were great. Truly great. He was a breath of fresh air. He was everything a girl could dream of. Kind, caring, faithful, funny, honest. He told me like it is and held me accountable for the mistakes I made. But he also made sure to accept and listen when I’d hold him accountable for mistakes that he made. We would lift each other up and be there when life tore one of us down.
Over the years we were together, things changed. We as individual people, changed. That’s life. People change as they grow and learn. Sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worst. We changed for the worst. We already had each other. So we forgot to do what it takes to keep each other. We forgot in our own ways what it meant to be with each other forever. To keep each other happy, to prove the promises that we made to each other before, during and after our wedding. We lost “us”.
Trying to figure out what is next for me is difficult. I’ve always been in a relationship. So this being single thing is new to me. Standing on my own two feet in new to me; and it scares me some times. What if I fail? What happens when my mental illness gets the best of me and I start to struggle to breath? How do I survive?
Single is new. Alone is new. Not having that person to lean on is new. But I know I can get through it. Sure, it’s going to take time. It’s going to take discipline. Rebuilding myself, my life, allowing myself to just live, it’s all going to take time.
I honestly have no idea what is in store for me now. I’m not sure what the plan is. I just know I need to rely on God to show me what I need to do next.
Beautifully Chaotic 