I knew that Christmas this year was going to be emotional. I had already anticipated shedding a few silent tears while I did my best to enjoy the moments with my family. What I hadn’t anticipated was what happened on Christmas Eve.
Like normal for my little family of five, we headed to my in-laws for a simple dinner and to do the traditional sibling/parent/niece gift exchange. This year, my father-in-law was insistent that I be the one to open a present first. So a box was handed to me all wrapped up in Christmas wrapping paper. Lily and Paisley wanted to help me open my gift, however it was asked of me that I do this one alone. So the kids were scooted away so that I could open my gift.
Inside the box was a sweatshirt that I will treasure forever. I’m sure you’re thinking something like, “it’s a sweatshirt, big deal”, right? Well, it is a big deal; to me, anyway. My in-laws had a sweatshirt made specifically for me from my kids. On this sweatshirt were the words, My Hero, and in the center of those words was an enlarged picture of my Papa and me from the day of my wedding rehearsal (which happens to be my most favorite picture of all).
My heart was instantly filled with so much love. Tears streamed down my face. Payton came over to me, sat on my lap, and gave me the biggest, tightest, and longest hug. I never thought I’d get so emotional over a sweatshirt. But this sweatshirt was special. It gave me a sense of security and a constant reminder that my Papa is always here, looking down on me and keeping me safe.
Talk about the perfect gift for my first Christmas without my Papa here on earth. This gift means more to me than I think anyone will ever realize. The love I was shown, the love I felt, all because of the most thoughtful gift ever, was so overwhelming (in a good way of course). This was one Christmas Eve that I will treasure forever!
Christmas day, however, was a little less merry…
I have no words of wisdom or any solid advice on how to get through your first Christmas after losing someone so incredibly important to you. In fact, all I really have to tell you is how much I completely fell apart.
It goes without saying that this year just didn’t feel like Christmas. I had very little holiday spirit and joy to share. My heart was heavy all month-long. My mind racing a million miles. I tried my best to hide it. I didn’t want to take away from anyones holiday joy. And I was doing really good too. Until Christmas day that is. That is when I really fell apart.
Christmas morning started out like normal. Hubby and I woke up extra early to play Santa Claus. We filled the stockings and laid them out, brought out all of the gifts and stuck them under the tree. We knew the kids would be waking up soon. So we quickly got ourselves ready for the day, so that it was one less thing to accomplish when the girls woke up. And as expected, bright and early, the girls were awake and ready to see what gifts they got from us and of course Santa. Our living room was quickly filled with torn wrapping paper and empty boxes that once held the new clothes they had received. Toys began to be taken out of packages so the girls could enjoy playing with them while I made breakfast.
After breakfast it was time to FaceTime with Nana and Papa (my parents). Payton shared with them all of the gifts that she and her sisters got this year. Telling them which ones were her favorites and which ones her sisters liked best so far too. We then said our goodbyes and one last Merry Christmas.
Lily and Paisley were loaded into their car seats, and Payton put on her boots and jacket and climbed into her car seat and away we went to Grandma and Grandpa’s (Charles’s parents) house for part two of Christmas morning. When we arrived the chaos instantly began. Gifts were passed out to the corresponding people and wrapping paper started to fly. Clothes and toys started to overflow the living room and the toys were quickly taken out of packages for the girls to enjoy.
After every gift was opened, Charles and I began to separate what was going to come home with us and what was going to stay at my in-laws for the kids. Charles loaded the car with as much that would fit and he and I jumped in and headed home to unload the new gifts. We opened packages and put together what we could. Loaded the car back up but this time with empty boxes and trash bags filled with wrapping paper. And off we went again to throw away the trash and head back over to Charles’s parents. And this is when things finally slowed down.
We got back to his parents house and the girls were happily playing with my brother-in-law and sister-in-law and their new toys. My mother-in-law was in the kitchen prepping Christmas dinner and my father-in-law was bouncing between opening more toys and playing with the girls. So I decided to sit down in the recliner and finally let myself relax from our busy morning. I couldn’t have been sitting down for more than twenty minutes when I began to feel the tears welling up in my eyes. I fought to hold them back; reminding myself that Papa would want me to enjoy this Christmas with my family and truly live in the moment. But one tear fell. And then another. And then another. I could no longer hold them back. The tears fell fast and heavy, almost as if someone had turned on a faucet and forgotten to turn it back off. They wouldn’t stop. I completely fell apart. Finally, I looked at my husband and whispered that I wanted, that I needed, to go home. Although saddened that I wanted to leave, he understood. So we put our shoes on and he took me home. I told him to go back to his parents and enjoy the rest of his Christmas. I just needed to be alone.
When he left, I cried harder. Looking up at the ceiling and asking God to make this not so painful. Telling Papa how much I missed him. How much I needed to hear his voice and to know that at some point it wasn’t going to be this hard anymore. I needed guidance, words of wisdom, advice. So I prayed. I prayed hard and long. I sat in the quiet and waited for something, anything. A sign of some sort. I heard a thud over by our Christmas tree. When I looked, I noticed that Tucker, our cat, had knocked over the book, ‘Twas the Night before Christmas, that my Papa had recorded himself reading it for us. I smiled. That was it. That was my sign. His voice. His voice was right there in that book. But I didn’t go and grab the book to let him read it to me. I didn’t have to. Just knowing that it was there was enough. I knew my Papa was looking down on me. I knew he was telling me it was time to stop crying and to get back to enjoying Christmas, our most favorite holiday. So I did. The tears slowed down until they finally stopped falling all together. I looked up and told him that I love him and wished him a very Merry Christmas. Then I laid down on the couch and let myself fall asleep.
I spent part of my Christmas alone. But I didn’t feel alone that entire time. Sure, I was crying and wishing for just one more Christmas with him. Wishing to hear his voice again, and feel his hug. And even though I know that isn’t possible right now, I have comfort in knowing that someday, I will be in heaven celebrating Christmas, celebrating life, with my Papa again.
Like I said earlier, I have no words of wisdom on how to get through those first holidays without those special people who have passed on. All I have is my experience. And maybe you reading my experience is enough to help. Maybe it isn’t. But either way, I pray that you’re able to find comfort and peace. And I wish you the Merriest of Christmases and Happiest of New Years.
I know how much you miss me. I see the pain inside your heart,
But I am not so far away. We really aren’t apart.
So be happy for me dear ones. You know I hold you dear,
And be glad I’m spending Christmas,
With Jesus Christ this year.
I send you each a special gift, from my heavenly home above.
I send you each a memory of my undying love.
After all LOVE is the gift, more precious than pure gold.
It was always most important in the stories Jesus told.
Please love and keep each other, as my Father said to do,
For I can’t count the blessing or love He has for each of you.
So have a Merry Christmas and wipe away those tears,
Remember, I’m spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.
– Author Unknown
Beautifully Chaotic 