A Birthday to Remember

Most people look forward to their birthday; it’s a day that is devoted to you.  Sure, the getting older part kind of sucks for some.  But celebrating with friends and family, the day you were brought into this world, is usually pretty fun.

Tuesday I turned twenty-seven.  Which means I should have been all kinds of happy and excited for that day.  And that morning I was.  The day started out pretty well.  I was home with all three of my girls.  We decorated our Christmas tree with the help of a surprise visitor; Grandma Linda.  Well, her visit wasn’t actually a surprise.  Next we played for a while while Lily and Paisley really got to discover the Christmas tree.  Laughing, dancing, and really enjoying the company of each other.  It truly was a great morning.

But before I knew it, the fun was ending.  Grandma left to head home so she wouldn’t have to drive in the dark; so it was just me and my girls.  I tried so hard to keep it together.  To hold back my emotions and really enjoy my birthday with my kids.  But I couldn’t.  It all hit my like a ton of bricks.  Every emotion flooding my mind and streaming down my face in tears.  This is not quite the birthday that I had hoped for.

I woke up Tuesday morning with a plan.  A plan to be happy.  To relax and enjoy the day.  To smile often, laugh more, and just embrace the beginning of another year older.  But that is just not how the day went.  My husband and kids tried their best to lift my spirits once he got home.  Which was exactly what I needed.  Charles held me and let me cry.  He gave me kisses and reminded me that it was all going to be okay eventually; that even though Papa wasn’t here, and Grandma couldn’t stay because driving home in the dark really sucks, that I was loved so much by both of them.  I needed that reminder.  Payton made sure to give me lots of snuggles, kisses and hugs.  And Lily and Paisley were so overly happy that day that it truly melted my heart.

I’m learning to allow myself to feel.  To not shut down my negative emotions and instead really embrace them because it’s the only way I’ll truly heal from everything that has happened.  It’s scary.  Beyond scary actually.  But by letting myself feel that day… letting myself really embrace those emotions, helped me.  I knew my Papa was watching over me and celebrating with me in his own way while he is in Heaven.  I felt him.  I felt his hug.  I heard his laughter.  I knew he was there.

I guess overall my birthday wasn’t that bad.  I was surrounded by people who love me and cherish who I am.  I was celebrated for the Mom, wife, and granddaughter that I am.  I was celebrated for being me.  Which meant more to me than any gift I could have ever received.