DEATH. Yeah, you read that right. Death is something we will all experience. As The Lion King taught us when we were little kids, death is just a part of the Circle of Life. But knowing this does not make dealing with death any easier. Especially when it is the death of a loved one.
Recently, I’ve experienced death. No, it wasn’t the first time in my life. I’ve lost people whom I’ve loved and been close with before… but this time, it was different. I lost my Papa. It was the absolute worst news I’ve ever been given. What started out as a decent day at work turned quickly into one of the darkest days of my life. But before I go too far into that, let me back track a little so that no one is confused.
My Papa had been sick for a while. Sick enough that my Grandma decided it was time to move back to Michigan so that they were closer to family. And boy am I glad they did! I had gone to visit them in their new home in the beginning of July. Papa looked good. He was clearly having one of his better days which I thought was wonderful. Payton played balloons with him, and we all got to sit and enjoy each others company. Seeing him was exactly what I had been needing.
Over the next month or so his health had drastically changed. Things just kept getting worse. I had planned to go for a visit at the end of August… however, thanks to my Mom’s phone call, that visit was bumped up sooner. On August 18th, my Mom had texted me telling me that I needed to go say my goodbyes. My heart instantly sank. How had things changed so much in a little over a month?
Saying my goodbyes was hard. It was something I knew I would have to eventually do, but of course wasn’t ready; but who ever really is ready to say goodbye? I held his hand, told him how much I love him. Shared with him my favorite memories, kissed his forehead.. and then I did it. I told him it was okay to let go.
On August 19th… I remember getting home from work and enjoying some time with my husband and kids. I had helped get them in bed and decided to step outside for a cigarette. I sat down on the porch and was enjoying my cigarette when I saw a hummingbird hovering near by. This bird flew and hovered by me for the better half of two minutes. I remember thinking, “Papa, this better not be you saying goodbye”. I smiled, convinced that it was just a coincidence, and went back inside. No sooner had I taken a seat on the couch my phone rang. It was my Grandma. I smiled and answered the phone.
“Chelsea… he’s gone…” That’s all I heard. My heart shattered. My eyes flooded with tears. My phone dropped to the floor as I completely fell apart. Why did this happen? Why did he have to die? I wasn’t ready. I’m not ready.
My Papa was more to me than a grandfather. He was my biggest supporter. The one person, who I knew, without a doubt, never once gave up on me. I never had to question if I was loved by him. He told me and proved it constantly. He was my reminder that mistakes are okay as long as you learn from them. That no matter what happened, I was enough. He always knew what to say to me when I needed advice, which lets face it, was quite frequently.
I miss him every minute of every day. I’m not okay that he isn’t here anymore. I know that he is no longer suffering and that does bring me comfort. But selfishly I want him here still. How does someone move on from such a loss?
For now, I will pray that I will be okay eventually. That Papa can send me some strength from Heaven so that I can be okay.
I miss you so much Papa! I hope you’re doing okay up there. Please watch over me. I love you!
Rest Easy Papa
Donald H Kaump Jr
April 18, 1935 – August 19, 2018
“I just saw you. A little over a month ago. You were telling stories and playing with the kids. You knew who I was and were so happy to see me.
I came and saw you again this past Saturday. You weren’t doing so good. I knew you were hurting and it broke my heart to see you in so much pain. I held your hand for what felt like a mix of forever, but also just not long enough. Telling you how much I love you. Sharing with you some of my favorite memories.
Then, even though I wasn’t ready to lose you, I kissed your forehead, told you I love you one more time and told you it was okay to let go.
I didn’t want you to let go. I need you here with me. But I knew you needed comfort, peace, and to know it was okay. So I promised you that I’d be alright. That you could let go and I’d be alright.
Papa, I’m so sorry I lied to you. Because I’m not alright. I miss you so much already. My heart is just broken to know that you’re gone.
Thank you for coming to see me last night before you passed. I just knew that humming bird that hovered and flew so close around me was you.
Rest Easy Papa! You’re in my heart and mind forever!”
(post I made on Facebook after Papa’s passing)
Beautifully Chaotic 